Snow
by Jananae
Summary: Riley struggles with her grief and guilt in the Icelandic cold. Tag to "I Can't Leave Her". In canon. Riley/Will (Wiley). Oneshot.


**A/N—So I just binge-watched Sense8 this week. My God. Such a beautifully raw look at human emotions and relationships. If you haven't seen it yet,** _ **please**_ **do yourself a favor and look it up. All I can say is thank goodness Netflix has renewed it for a second season. This story takes a close look at Riley's thoughts and emotions in the Season 1 finale, "I Can't Leave Her." Even though a number of the characters have some truly heartbreaking stories, I found hers to be absolutely devastating. Such intense and undeserved guilt and pain. This girl deserves a break. So please enjoy this look into a good-hearted character who endures so much more than she ever should have.**

She sank to her knees on the frozen ground, collapsing in on herself as the world closed in. The snow welcomed her as she curled into a ball, an old friend and bitter enemy all at once.

And finally, she could take it no longer. Every fiber of her being was frayed and raw. Something animalistic built in her chest and clawed its way out of its own volition. The scream tore at her throat, all the air leaving her lungs as the anguish in her heart tried desperately to escape.

She hugged the tiny form to her chest, as if her agony could restore life to her Luna once more.

But it could not. The baby was still. Silent.

Cold.

Her newborn child had become part of the world that surrounded her: frozen and unyielding.

* * *

Her hands shook violently as the shot ricocheted off the wall. She moved her arms in an unsteady arc as the faceless men surrounding her backed away. They raised their hands cautiously, unsure if they should take action for fear of what she may do. Her hopelessness grew as her mind raced, the gun heavy in her hands.

And then they were there. A San Franciscan hacker. A Kenyan bus driver. An Indian scientist. A Korean prisoner. A German thief. A Mexican actor.

 _Protect them._ A disturbing clarity crept upon her as she sat on a stained and filthy mattress. She had to do it. She had to do it for them. She had to save these people she had never met, these people who were inexplicably a part of her, who could feel her desperation in this moment.

She glimpsed the scars on her wrist. _It could be so easy._

She tasted cold metal as she set the pistol against her tongue. A few muscles in her hand could pull the trigger, and she would be done. All at once, everything could be gone. It could be as simple as flexing a finger. It could mean freedom. She could finally escape from the torment she felt every day of her life since her mother died. Since her husband died. Since her baby died.

And it was all her fault. Tears formed in her eyes as she saw their faces swim before her. Beckoning her to them. One pull could mean reunion.

Her hands shook as she rested her finger firmly on the trigger. She tightly squeezed her eyes shut, gathering her courage to do what must be done.

"Riley."

And there he was. A Chicagoan police officer.

"Please don't do it." She looked resignedly up at him as his eyes bored into hers. "I'm coming for you."

He slowly raised his hands and grasped hers in his. Her breath caught in her throat under Will's unflinching stare. _But I'm not worth saving!_ She wanted to scream. To tell him to turn back. To leave her be. But as she looked up at the man she felt she didn't deserve, her resolution faltered.

"Don't give up."

And it broke. She wanted to cry. She wanted to collapse, to break too. She wanted to tell him that this encouragement was a pain so exquisite it threatened to tear her apart. Instead, she silently nodded as she allowed him to guide her shaking hands, slipping the gun from between her teeth. She took a deep breath as if for the first time as an infinitesimal spark of hope took root within her. _Don't give up._

And he was gone. The men rushed in, grabbing her arms and forcing her back onto the gurney as she struggled. She felt a needlepoint penetrate her arm, and the world faded once more into a wasteland of ice and snow.

* * *

She ran, the ghosts of her family giving chase as the mists enveloped her. Faintly, she could hear Will calling her back. But she couldn't stop. The impetus of her guilt dragged her forward as she climbed the hill before her, leaving the road behind.

As she reached the top, she felt something leave her entirely. It felt as if her life had left her, her will to survive abandoning her as she finally slowed and fell to the ground, truly defeated. She stared leadenly at the Icelandic mountains that surrounded her as her eyes drifted down to the deceased child in her arms. She quietly sang on old lullaby about a woman who had killed her daughter.

She vaguely recognized Will as he knelt before her. But her eyes were on her child. Her beautiful girl, born from the death of another that she had loved. _My Magnus._ Her sorrow swallowed her as she lost what little hope she had.

She heard Will's voice through a fog. "We're gonna be alright."

It was like a sick joke. How could anything ever be alright? Her young family was dead. Her baby breathed for only a handful of hours before the Icelandic cold claimed her for itself. No. She couldn't believe it. Her life would never be alright.

But when she finally brought her eyes to meet Will's, she saw her pain reflected in his expression. He was broken too, her grief and mourning inevitably overtaking him.

She should have died with her baby and her husband. She should have left this world, saving Will from experiencing her agony and sorrow.

And Will stood, and he ran. He ran from her, leaving her where she ought to have died those many years ago. She looked down at the baby in her arms and wept. _I am alone._ The floodgates let loose their torrents, and she shook with reproach. _I can't do this anymore! I can't. I just can't…_ Her minded folded in on itself, the pressure of everything just too great.

"Riley." But there was Will. Like a lighthouse in a storm, he beckoned her out of the tempest. The hands that weren't really there held her steady as she looked into his eyes, desperate for something that could ground her.

But she still slipped. She tried. She tried to overpower what kept her rooted to that spot, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Even when Will begged her, she couldn't do it. She was so tired. She couldn't run anymore. She couldn't fight anymore. She just couldn't.

And she was alone once more. The uncaring Icelandic winter blew its snows upon her as she cradled her baby in her arms. _I can't leave her. I can't._

"I know how much it hurts." But his voice brought her back again. His hand brushed her hair aside as she nodded, feeling his understanding. He knew. Oh God, he knew! She felt her own pain and sorrow engulf him, saw it in his distressed eyes, felt it in his hands desperately holding her head to his. In that one moment, his heart broke with hers, united in a shared grief.

She wanted it to end. She couldn't bear to experience his suffering too. His agony washed over her in waves, pulling her below the surface. It was too much.

But then something else appeared. Her heart swelled, her lungs unable to draw in breath. It was like a safe haven in the heart of a winter storm.

"You can feel what I'm feeling too." Her eyes focused on his, the squall slightly dissipating. She willed herself to focus on the feeling that grew within her.

"I love you." And she _felt_ it. She felt his desperation and joy at the admission. She felt his elation and sadness. The intensity of it almost overwhelmed her. But something within her rebelled. _No. No, I don't deserve love. My family died because of me. I can't deserve love._

She almost lost the struggle when she heard him repeat the words and he brought his lips to hers. All at once, another wave buoyed her to the surface. It was real. She felt his unwavering belief in the beauty of her soul, in the adamancy of his want for her to be happy.

And finally, she accepted it. She knew it to be true. She knew that whatever might have been at play that night was out of her control. She couldn't have saved her family. But she did everything she could to try. Will saw that. He knew that she should not be condemned simply for being the only one who lived. She felt his conviction at this thought, and accepted it as her own.

For the first time in many years, Riley allowed herself to experience true happiness and love from someone other than her father. She could deserve this. She could deserve to finally be happy.

Before Will faded into unconsciousness, she whispered against his lips as tears streaked her cheeks. "Thank you for saving me." And it felt like Spring had finally arrived to her Icelandic heart.

 **A/N—Thank you for reading through my first Sense8 story; I'm definitely looking forward to writing more in of these in the future. Feel free to review, comment, or criticize. Until next time, happy reading**


End file.
